Dear Prudence: My boyfriend's parents can't stand me... We haven't even met.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend’s parents don’t like me even though they haven’t even met me yet and my boyfriend won’t stick up for me. I met him at my college campus event this summer before school starts. We hit it off really well and he told me he liked me when we continued to text regularly for a few weeks after. The feeling is mutual and we’ve since been in a long-distance relationship until we’re in a regular relationship when we’re in college together next month.

However, apparently, he has helicopter parents and his mom just seems straight-up toxic. It’s weird because he’s 19 and I’m almost 19, and they’re so overprotective of him. They don’t think we’re in a real relationship because we’re long distance, he’s not sending me a birthday present because his parents will question him mailing something to me, and before I had a serious conversation about this, he didn’t want to call me because his parents would give him a hard time about me. He was telling me about a female friend our age who’s getting married, which we both think is weird, and I was saying that her now fiancé probably wanted to get married so he could lock her down so she doesn’t sleep with anyone else. He told me that his mom said the same thing about me. She said that was probably my intention in being in a relationship with him so soon. Sure, we did sort of rush into things, and it’s not the ideal way to start a relationship, but we’re happy for the most part except for his parents. He thinks his parents are overbearing too but won’t stick up for me. I really don’t want to break up with him because we’re going to be in college together next month but it just seems like a huge red flag to me. Other than this, he’s literally perfect for me.

—Long Distance Not-Even-Daughter-in-Law

Dear Not-Even-Daughter-in-Law,

Starting college is going to represent a huge shift for both of you. Take a breath, try to put your boyfriend’s parents out of your head, and simply see how things go once you get there. When I say “see how things go” I’m not talking about what everyone else is saying and what other people are thinking but how you feel about the actual time you two are spending together. Enjoy dating (that’s what it’s supposed to be for, after all!), and every once in a while ask yourself, “Am I enjoying this? Am I happy when I’m with him? Is this relationship more rewarding than it is stressful?”

But I also have to say this: You’re just now starting college. You should not be spending all your free time with this guy or any boyfriend. The first semester is such a key time for making friends and making memories with those friends. At least two weeknights and one weekend night a week I want you to be out with new people you’ve met, or even just sitting around with your roommates! These have the potential to be lifelong bonds. Statistically speaking, I’m pretty sure “We are friends who met the first few months of college” friendships have much more longevity than freshman-year romantic relationships. Never again in your life will you be in a place where friends are just there, waiting to be made, and everyone is on equal footing and equally in need of people to hang out with. As someone who gets letters from adults who struggle to form new connections as adults, I want you to make sure you take advantage of this moment. Your boyfriend’s parents may or may not come around. You may or may not still like each other by Thanksgiving. And yes, sure, you may end up married. Who knows. But whatever happens, you’re going to need people other than him in your life and the most valuable use of your free time when you get to college will be to find them.

Dear Prudence,

There’s been this ongoing thing with my wife (and even before she was my wife) where she compulsively does things to me physically at completely random moments. It used to be worse, things like trying to stick her finger in my butt and pinching/flicking my nipples. I got so angry and fed up with it that I broke one day and said that if she kept up those specific behaviors, then it was a deal breaker for me. To her credit, she stopped those more egregious things, but she still does things now like tickling my butt when I walk up the stairs or trying to put her finger in my armpit.

After I specified the behaviors I wouldn’t tolerate, it’s a negotiation every time I say I don’t like something she’s doing. Admittedly, some of these behaviors are also funny to me sometimes, but the problem is that other times they aren’t funny at all and then she gets upset when I tell her to stop. She’ll say that I “don’t like anything” or tell me that she’s just trying to make me laugh. But that’s the thing, if I’m not laughing and she’s still doing it then it starts to feel more like bullying/antagonizing than messing with me playfully. I’ve tried to talk to her about this multiple times, trying to figure out why she feels the need to do it and if she is, in fact, trying to bully me. But these talks are always met with confusion and I genuinely don’t believe she consciously means anything bad with her behavior. She struggles with depression and often is in a good mood when she does these things—it even comes across like she feels this is her showing affection. Even if it isn’t something she’s maliciously doing, some part of me feels like it’s a “power play” or something. I’m tempted to put my foot down and say that I won’t tolerate any of this behavior, but I also don’t want the playfulness to go away altogether. I feel ridiculous that we are a married adult couple and I feel like a kid on the playground getting annoyed by the girl who has a crush on me but doesn’t know how to show it. What should I do?

—Antagonized Husband

Dear Antagonized,

Whew, this sounds annoying, and you seem to have a really good read on what’s going on for both you and your wife. But it’s one of those situations in which I’m going to give the really unsatisfying advice of saying: Can you just tell her exactly what you told me here? Word for word? Except here’s where I want to push you a little bit. The goal of the conversation should not be a compromise like, “You get to put your finger in my ear a bit just sometimes.” It should be for her to stop touching you in a way that you don’t like. You have a lot of empathy for her and the ability to see things from her perspective which is wonderful. But unwanted physical contact isn’t an area where you want to find a middle ground. So what if she’s not malicious! So what if she’s feeling playful! She is an adult who can be unmalicious and playful in ways that don’t involve putting your finger in your armpit. If you don’t think she’s capable of that or has the mental stability to do so, you have much bigger problems than her annoying habits.

Dear Prudence,

I have an etiquette question about public bathrooms. I was recently waiting in line for the women’s restroom at a busy airport. All of the stalls were occupied except for the larger, accessible stall at the very end. The woman in front of me insisted on not using the stall, given that she did not need the extra accessibility it provided. Once another stall opened up and it was my turn in line, I, another able-bodied person, faced a dilemma: use the stall and somehow look insensitive or wait for another stall and hold up the growing line. I think it’s important to note that there was no one in a wheelchair or with any other visible disability in line. I went ahead and used the accessible stall because using it quickly and moving the line along didn’t seem to hurt anyone, but was I wrong to do so?

—Stalled

Dear Stalled,

No, it’s fine to use the accessible bathroom. Just get in and out as quickly as you can. So, for example, if it’s the kind that contains its own sink within the stall, do not reapply your makeup there. In fact, go wash your hands at the regular sink outside.

My wife was in a very stressful situation about a month ago when she was at a park in our hometown. After trying to balance a full-time job while caring for our three children for four months, she honestly just kind of lost it. She snapped. My wife is now the subject of a “Karen” video that made the rounds last month in our town (luckily it didn’t spread beyond that).